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Sunday, August 31, 2014

it's fall and I'm still chasing time.



It's fall, y'all.  The pumpkin spice tells me so.  I have also seen a handful of crunchy, yellow leaves, and let's be honest about the wardrobe situation: the tank tops are being put up.  Not necessarily because they are inappropriate choices with the weather, but mostly because my belly hangs out the bottom.

Oh, the longing for boots and twenty degrees cooler.

And also a sweet, sweet baby.

--

A summary of the things that have happened in our house in the last few weeks:






Ruby is through two complete weeks of school.  I am approximately 95% mama bear versus the 210% I was at the start.  Fine, it's like 195%.

Jimmy attempted to ruin the most favorite thing in our house - our granite counters.  FYI - if you ever leave fruit to leak their beautiful, colored juices all over the counter and find yourself wanting to go fetal position and sob over it, follow these instructions.  It's GONE.

Eisley is allergic to chicken.  Her allergist was surprised at the results (not common), I was not.  I'm left figuring out the divorce process for a crock pot, because seriously, what is life without chicken and its 1,001 recipe options in the slow cooker?

I have an almost hernia.

I have felt baby hiccups approximately 136 times.

I am down to 59 days left with a side of ohmygoshhowamInotreadyaftereverythingthispregnancybroughtme?!

Christmas shopping happened.  Oh yes it did.

I have consumed an embarrassing amount of mentos and pringles.  Not together, but equally shameful amounts.




and some isms for good measure:

One day, during the first week of school, I asked Ruby if she had learned a bible verse, and she told me quite excitedly, "Yes!  Keep your hands to yourself."

She also told me she had taken a test at school.  I asked her what the test was about, and she said, "Not to look at your friend's paper."

Before going to the baseball game, we asked Eisley what her favorite part was (thinking the answer would be peanuts or cotton candy).  She said, "When it's over."

Earlier this week, Jimmy told Eisley to stop standing on her chair at the dinner table because it wasn't a safe choice.  She went into a very serious rant/speech and said, "Then I will fall off and bonk my head and go to be with Jesus and never see my family again."  Jimmy and I sat there, staring stupidly at one another and Ruby burst into tears.  Bless her.

--

I think that's about all since the last time I could manage to type out brain vomit.  You're up to speed.





Friday, August 8, 2014

time is a circus



Oh, blog.  Fallen in between the cracks of forgotten laundry and dusty baseboards.  I'm waving the white flag - this pregnancy has left me surrendering admissions in various places of my life.  I really can't do it all.  I couldn't before, either, but I sure loved pretending.  This one time, about six months ago, I totally had all these things planned to crochet, freezer meals that would be stacked lovingly in my freezer, and a clean house and happy children while I just simply enjoyed this pregnancy.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

The good news?  We are in double digits (82 days!) for countdown and I am climbing the last part of the mountain.  I can't believe I hit the third trimester.  Alive, anyway.  It seems as though I have been pregnant for about three and a half years - so many people around me would positively swear by the same sentiment.  And also, let's be honest, I probably need at least another year for the sake of this baby having a name.

I'm anxious to kiss this sweet little baby.  It seems to have perfected its charming good looks - I may let it off of its grounded for life sentence a bit early.


For serious with that face?


Jimmy's sister and her family stopped by for a whirlwind trip at the end of July, and then my precious friend Rebecca came to visit with her two kids.  We could sum that trip up with: crazy exhausted children, bad television sponsored by a select buffet of pinterest-inspired yums, time in the car with loud Disney movies, and a whole bunch of laughter.

Rebecca and Erin threw me the sweetest baby shower.  The night before, I got the surprise of my life when my Aunt Sara and cousin Melissa showed up at my door!  They flew in for my baby shower and left me speechless and emotional.  I feel blessed to have amazing friends and family - it's touching to see how loved this baby is already.

My baby starts school in one week.  I nearly had to bring a little paper sack with us on our school shopping adventure.  I know she'll be in a great place, and I know she is going to love going, but I basically still think she is my tiny baby and I should get to keep her in my pocket at all times.  Jimmy thought he was funny by asking me to wait until I send her off to college, and I think my death eyes in response were enough to keep him from ever even thinking that around me again.  Kindergarten and then her sixth birthday - they are basically here!

Are you all ready to send me in to get my head examined?  I am SO BEYOND FLIPPING EXCITED that football season is here!  It means FALL.  And BABY BABY BABY BABY.  I am not so excited about Jimmy being gone, especially towards the end of this crazy adventure, but I have good faith things will work out.  And also?  Pumpkin spice, friends.  It's right around the corner!

I am about to start Christmas shopping.  

Maybe I should have my head examined.











*I apologize for the excessive use of CAPS in this post.  It's the small things.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

broken things and other realizations.



I am doing 876 loads of laundry today.  And I am most excited about it.  Laundry and I have never been friends, but take away the possibility of clean clothes for two weeks, and I think I would be willing to do shameful things for the washer to be available again.

I'd love to run into the author of Murphy's Law While Husbands are Away.  In a dark alley, pregnant self and all.  Hole in the tire, washer quit life, rotten chicken, a sick child, and the always-possible case of the axe murdered lurking in the closet.

I can feel summer slipping through my fingers - something that rings happy thoughts of fall (and BABY!) in my mind, but also a bit of sadness about the things we haven't gotten around to, and the way time continues to run.  The beginning of school is around the corner; last minute activity cramming has begun.


In other (most exciting and definitely celebratory ice cream worthy) news - we are in DOUBLE DIGITS.  Twenty-six weeks.  The fact that August is right around the corner, leaving just a month in between right now and due date month makes me reel with a whole string of emotions.  Mostly a mix of ohmygoshbabyiscoming! and ohmygoshbabyiscoming! But really, I feel like I have a billion things left to do, preparing my mind for a teeny newborn, and then there's the scary things that run through my mind.  I am also going to be unbelievably excited to be un-pregnant and un-nauseous.

In the meantime, the to-do list holds: baby things, the best of friends, school preparation (someone, hold me.), and soaking up the rest of the summertime sunshine with my coppertone babies.



Sunday, July 6, 2014

to remember.



The shreds of motherhood that elicit the most heart-warming feelings and smiles.  The ones that I know will fade, despite them being my favorites.

The way I can watch tiny baby parts move across my belly.  The minute I start to believe I haven't felt baby in a little while; I poke, baby moves.

The way princess songs have become the soundtrack to our lives.  I would estimate a modest 879 times a day that we hear these songs; sometimes in the car, but mostly just out of nowhere the tune is belted through their sweet little mouths.

This:

and the way that sleep comes in the summer: fast and heavy.  I'm also quite fond of the way Eisley requests to "tuggle" and Ruby requests to feel the baby before giving into the sleep.  It's unbelievably special that they still fit right beside me, and nestled in the middle is someone that is such a mystery, and yet so treasured.




days at the pool, which aren't exactly relaxing, despite their outward appearance.  Also, it's risky business asking a 3 and 5 year old to cover your back in sunscreen.  The two of them, however, look delightfully sun-kissed.  

The way time feels impossibly still and yet I don't have the energy or enough non-sick days to accomplish the things I wish.  It's a gentle reminder about how fleeting things are - I'm sick and tired because I'm growing life.  And that's something to smile about, despite the feelings that accompany it.


 this happens randomly and I eat it up.  Can't believe they are mine sometimes.

Thousands of questions.  Every single day.

The way Eisley begs for showers and baths multiple times a day, only to sit in there and be entertained by nothing other than princesses, foam sea creatures, and pouring cups of water back and forth.

The way ice cream and hot fudge punctuate summer days.  And the excitement right beside it.

The messages from friends that I get daily; things about motherhood, special people checking on me, and such a feeling of love.  

Motherhood is the hardest and sweetest thing that has ever happened to me. These moments are so swiftly flying by, it's hard to completely absorb them.


Thursday, June 19, 2014

summer, illustrated.


I don't ever want to forget the way her eyes sprung wider and the smile crept over her face as she felt her youngest sibling move for the first time.  It's surreal to imagine myself six years ago at this very time, when Jimmy was feeling her move for the first time. {June 17}

The notable sound of bare feet pad the sidewalk and then go missing before gleeful screams are heard from the pool.  It's our favorite place to be these days: poolside for me, with a good book.  Pool for them, with popsicles in hand.

They leave the familiar scent of summer behind on couches and pillows: sunshine laced with sunscreen.  Chalk footprints dance across the wood floors.

Life in the summer carries a simplicity that remains absent for the rest of the year.  The rush for school and scheduled events and life in general are replaced with the rush for the best sunshine hours and the walks to friends' houses.

Blogging has come behind the nausea and everything is had misplaced, but we have had a million noteworthy moments:

My baby graduated from preschool; kindergarten, here we come!








 We spent time in Missouri with some of our favorite people on the planet.  Many thanks to Grandma Lou for her years of wig wearing - they hardly came off the entire time we were there.










another moment for the baby book(s).








campfire stories


with Grandma at the house she grew up.  


 I'm sort of infatuated with you, summer.


Thursday, June 12, 2014

what not to say to a sick pregnant person: a PSA






The magic of the miracle that lies within pregnancy never wears off or grows dull.  Never.  Not with the throwing up, not with the stomach aches or the body aches, or the carpal tunnel that seems to accompany my pregnancies.

There is this sad belief that if truthful complaints are expressed, then that diminishes your gratefulness.  Let me be honest - I don't like incessant complaining.  I teach my kids that it's not a fun trait to be around, and really there is no point.  But pregnancy is no picnic, some people have it worse than others, and when people ask you how you are feeling, I am under the impression that they really want to know how you are actually feeling.

But in response, they have all the solutions.

Here's the thing:  I have never ever known sickness until this pregnancy.  It started at 4 weeks, it is still here at 20 weeks.  It is not the gentle symptom under the title of morning sickness.  It's a debilitating sickness that has left me in bed for so much of the last four months, it is actually almost unbelievable.  The tears that have come from inadequate feelings as a wife and a mom and the sheer imagery of having to do this for ___ more days.

I have had my fair share of comments that likely stem from genuine care, but are generally delivered in poor taste.

Here are some of my favorites. Take notes:


Have you tried saltines in the morning?

Saltines mixed with stomach acid first thing in the morning would be akin to eating cardboard and drinking a beer, knowing good and well it was all coming back up.  No thank you.  I'm putting ginger in this category too.  I wish a little ginger was the ticket to feeling better, but those precious little ginger lollipops are a joke in the face of persistent nausea.

It's all in your head; mind over matter.

If only I had worked some meditation and yoga into the hours I spent heaving over the toilet, I would have felt fine for these last many months.  If only I had known.

Right.

No it isn't mind over matter or the state of your mind.

Well, at least you aren't gaining weight!

I just can't even with this.  Would you ever say this to a person with bulimia?  The only time in your adult life you are supposed to be gaining pounds to ensure the baby you are carrying is receiving the nutrients and proper care.  It's already grouped in with the other inadequate feelings that lie in the very nature of being a mom.  Wondering if your baby is getting enough is a miserable feeling - I'd put on 60 pounds again rather than worry about that and feel this way.

You should be grateful.

Let me just be clear: the feelings about nausea/throwing up and the feelings about my growing child are completely separate.  I am thankful beyond what words can illustrate for this miracle.  I have lost a child - there is not a single second of this that I have ever taken for granted or wished away.  Wishing the vomiting away and counting down the days until I meet my child are in fact not discounting my gratitude.

Have you tried any medicine?

This almost doesn't deserve an answer, but the long and short story is: yes.  Medicine isn't a fix-all, in case that wasn't obvious.

It has to be over soon!

I heard this before first trimester was over, and just about every week since then.  Believe me, the hope is in my own head (SEE! Mind over matter.) and here we are.  So maybe it will be, and maybe it won't be, but the fact is: no one knows.  So that comment is just as frustrating as the ones crawling through my head.


You are welcome.

Sincerely,
Sick Pregnant Women Everywhere

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

hi, peanut.



If I haven't written enough evidence to persuade you into the belief that I am one hot mess when pregnant, well, then maybe I don't know what constitutes that sort of description in your book.

It takes a great amount of courage for me to get to twenty weeks, and then through my anatomy scan.  I don't know why I feel this way - sort of a combination of being robbed of pregnancy innocence and the whole  it's a small world vibe coming from the internet.  I know of too many horror stories that begin with that monumental ultrasound.

I have heard the song Oceans by Hillsong United an unfathomable amount of times this pregnancy.  I have told Jimmy and a few others that it seems to be a semi-subtle message about improving my faith.  Every single time I hear it, I stop and breathe.  It's reassuring and humbling.  We drove to our ultrasound appointment this morning, my stomach churning.  One could imagine the song that came on halfway through the drive.

Peace.



That precious little face is in there!  I have been so caught up in the nausea, it hardly seems like there is something so beautiful beyond.  That perfect button nose, and the hand that stayed near the face.  So unbelievably in love.  There is a new depth to this experience that I know well from the girls.  I can't fathom the miracle that lives within.

Tipping the scales at a whopping approximately 12 ounces - baby is measuring ahead by a handful of days, each little part of it formed perfectly with love.

I was the most tempted to surprise ourselves early with this little one - I held tight to the knowledge of what the end holds with the surprise on birth day.  I don't have any extraordinarily strong feelings one way or the other - and we truly don't care.  I can't wait to kiss that perfect nose and those tiny little fingers.

Ruby has been asking to make a chain to count down the days until peanut's arrival.  We finally did it today.  It's hard to explain such a concept to little people.

the countdown is on - as slow as life seems at the moment, I know those links are going to disappear in a way that will leave me compulsively checking to do lists at the end.

141 days.

So very thankful for the miracle of life.  Thankful for a God that is patient with me as I wade through scary territories.


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