Friday, October 10, 2014

baby's shenanigans

The thought of stumbling off this roller coaster is enough to flood my brain and my heart with enough emotions to last a decade.  Reliving the last nine months has raised fears about whether or not I'll actually be able to step off the roller coaster quietly.  Last Sunday was particularly panicking after I deemed baby's movements too lazy.  Being my most active baby, the slow down was stressful, and accompanied by some scary tagalong thoughts.

There is something so painfully vulnerable about pregnancy.  The miraculous and fragile nature of life, completely out of my hands.  A lesson in trust and patience.  I voiced my fears to my doctor on Tuesday.  After an ultrasound and a mess of an NST in which it took multiple people to track down baby on the monitor for the allotted time to be monitored (nothing like my unborn child showing the world I'm a liar - the minute the words were spoken aloud to my doctor, active baby showed itself).  It looks just as it should, and my mind is at peace again.  I walked away so thankful for the life that blooms in there, a sweet little person so oblivious to the frightening things of this world.  And also, the staff at my doctor's office is absolutely unbelievable.  Aware that fears are real, whether or not they are reasonable, they have held my hand through so many scary and unknown moments on this journey.

Peanut had the last laugh, knocking off the monitor with its big movements.  I'd rather be made to look silly, then to have kept my mouth shut, but does this ever pique my curiosity about the little love that lives in there.

We received our traditional hospital bag snacks in the mail today - baby can officially be arriving any day now.  Though, I would appreciate it waiting until I get my hair done next Wednesday. (Because, priorities.  If my hair doesn't get attention now, it could be a year from now that it sees some love.)  If I was physically capable of jogging, I would begin on that day.  Aside from the frantic crocheting going on to ensure baby has a sufficient amount of animal-eared hats, my joints are also rocking 80 year old status.

Come on, peanut.  We are so ready to see your sweet face.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

the last few weeks

So much of this every year, but this year?  I can't even describe the euphoric feeling that has accompanied the turning of the calendar this month.

I recently heard from Eisley as I pulled her out of the car: "You still got that baby in there?"

I share the precise sentiments, little love.  Baby is doing it's last little bit of growing before it enters a world so full of love and chaos; I can hardly imagine a life not pregnant and not nauseous.

My body hurts, my mind is exhausted, and I'd just assume spend my life in the hot shower where warm water seems to be nicer to my joints than real life.  Our countdown chain looks pitifully small, almost worthless.  Jimmy has probably lost pounds from shivering through the night - his mockery makes me laugh until I contract.  I know this is the end.  I'm thankful to be here.  I'm thankful for the hiccups and practice breathing witnessed from the outside.  The alien lumps that stick out and the little body parts that slide by.  I am so anxious to meet this little person.

The nesting is out of control.  Cabinets are organized, closets are organized, and dressers are full of clean, properly-fitting clothing.  I keep thinking I am finished with putting things in their places, and then I get a wild notion to some more rearranging.  Part of me wishes the extra neurotic type A would stick around to keep this house on a very tidy schedule, but then I drive myself sort of nuts and I can't wait to see her go.

Also, the mints are still happening.  And ice crunching.  I don't even know who I am anymore - I find ice chomping one of the most obnoxious habits known to mankind.  And here I am.

We're at 24 days.  Somehow, this still seems impossibly long.  Cherishing the last moments of this.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

yellow, crunchy leaves and pumpkin spice.

She still calls me mama. 

 A consolation prize alongside the growth she has done in the last several months.  I love this age.

 One thing the last two weeks has brought (that I am not in love with) - the idea that shiny floors which happen to reside in most places we need to go at least weekly (Ahem, TARGET.)  will swallow her whole.  This leads to stammering, snail-walking, dramatic falling, and copious amounts of sweat for me.  It also leads to stares, as I get on the floor with her and knock on it, letting her know it's entirely whole, the shine is a reflection from the lights above.

She has taken full advantage of my melty mama heart with new bedtime stalling tactics - "I want to feel the baby!"  So she climbs into my arms, and we poke baby until it pokes back and Eisley laughs and laughs.

I'm doing weird things like pantry organizing and standing on my head to fight specks of dust in the most obscure places.  We are 34+ weeks, and according to the doctor, baby has been reading the text books.  Baby is head down and measuring right on.  By far my wiggliest little peanut, I am so curious about the life that grows within me.  My appointments for the remainder of the pregnancy are scheduled and I am under strict instruction to have my things ready in the next two weeks.  I'm starting to revisit that old notion where I planned a closet full of handmade baby things and a freezer full of meals.  I usually revisit these thoughts at 3 am as the heartburn starts its party.

We are spending our days in the comfortable arms of fall.  My baking desires have returned, full-fledged, and my freezer is filling with treats.  The vibrant leaves are a tangible reminder of the extra love that is in store for us this fall.  The pumpkin spice lattes pale in comparison, but given my limited intake, I cherish those too.

{39 days}

Monday, September 15, 2014

boy or girl?

There is something about pregnancy that cancels out appropriate social cues and personal space requirements.  I still have trouble deciding how to respond to people when they ask questions about it - like, do they really want to know?  Pregnancy isn't a tidy little package, wrapped up nicely and tied pretty.  And also, I'm basically as pleasant to be around as a cat caught in a rainstorm, so...there's that to consider.

I knew it would happen with this pregnancy, people are predictable.  It's nearly as irritating as the people that have all the knowledge about curing "morning sickness."  We have two girls, and we are having a third which can only mean one possible thing: we must be trying and hoping for a boy.  I'm not exactly sure how you try for one specific gender, and to be completely honest (cliche or not), the hopefulness ends after the statement: We are hoping for a healthy baby.

The way eyes light up when people discover the difference in this pregnancy, the text messages that have been fired our way hoping for a boy on our behalf.  It's unclear to me why strangers and friends alike are so vocal about their hopes for us, but I am always quick to tell them that we aren't waiting for our boy.

I'm mostly waiting to be done being pregnant.

But really.  The kicks and rolls that come from this little one, the hiccups, it's sweet little profile ultrasound shot that serves as an incentive every time I walk through my kitchen. I know that whoever is in there is the perfect addition for our family.  The puzzle piece.  The meant to be.  We aren't crossing our fingers and holding our breath for a boy, and we won't be disappointed with a girl.

I don't ever want this baby to feel less than or like it was the long-awaited one.  What I do know is this baby is so unbelievably loved.  The girls are ready to bake it a birthday cake and they talk about a future with a baby all the time.  I have so much peace knowing that this baby has been planned for our family long before I had any plans for a family.  And we will be positively thrilled with either.

Sunday, August 31, 2014

it's fall and I'm still chasing time.

It's fall, y'all.  The pumpkin spice tells me so.  I have also seen a handful of crunchy, yellow leaves, and let's be honest about the wardrobe situation: the tank tops are being put up.  Not necessarily because they are inappropriate choices with the weather, but mostly because my belly hangs out the bottom.

Oh, the longing for boots and twenty degrees cooler.

And also a sweet, sweet baby.


A summary of the things that have happened in our house in the last few weeks:

Ruby is through two complete weeks of school.  I am approximately 95% mama bear versus the 210% I was at the start.  Fine, it's like 195%.

Jimmy attempted to ruin the most favorite thing in our house - our granite counters.  FYI - if you ever leave fruit to leak their beautiful, colored juices all over the counter and find yourself wanting to go fetal position and sob over it, follow these instructions.  It's GONE.

Eisley is allergic to chicken.  Her allergist was surprised at the results (not common), I was not.  I'm left figuring out the divorce process for a crock pot, because seriously, what is life without chicken and its 1,001 recipe options in the slow cooker?

I have an almost hernia.

I have felt baby hiccups approximately 136 times.

I am down to 59 days left with a side of ohmygoshhowamInotreadyaftereverythingthispregnancybroughtme?!

Christmas shopping happened.  Oh yes it did.

I have consumed an embarrassing amount of mentos and pringles.  Not together, but equally shameful amounts.

and some isms for good measure:

One day, during the first week of school, I asked Ruby if she had learned a bible verse, and she told me quite excitedly, "Yes!  Keep your hands to yourself."

She also told me she had taken a test at school.  I asked her what the test was about, and she said, "Not to look at your friend's paper."

Before going to the baseball game, we asked Eisley what her favorite part was (thinking the answer would be peanuts or cotton candy).  She said, "When it's over."

Earlier this week, Jimmy told Eisley to stop standing on her chair at the dinner table because it wasn't a safe choice.  She went into a very serious rant/speech and said, "Then I will fall off and bonk my head and go to be with Jesus and never see my family again."  Jimmy and I sat there, staring stupidly at one another and Ruby burst into tears.  Bless her.


I think that's about all since the last time I could manage to type out brain vomit.  You're up to speed.

Friday, August 8, 2014

time is a circus

Oh, blog.  Fallen in between the cracks of forgotten laundry and dusty baseboards.  I'm waving the white flag - this pregnancy has left me surrendering admissions in various places of my life.  I really can't do it all.  I couldn't before, either, but I sure loved pretending.  This one time, about six months ago, I totally had all these things planned to crochet, freezer meals that would be stacked lovingly in my freezer, and a clean house and happy children while I just simply enjoyed this pregnancy.


The good news?  We are in double digits (82 days!) for countdown and I am climbing the last part of the mountain.  I can't believe I hit the third trimester.  Alive, anyway.  It seems as though I have been pregnant for about three and a half years - so many people around me would positively swear by the same sentiment.  And also, let's be honest, I probably need at least another year for the sake of this baby having a name.

I'm anxious to kiss this sweet little baby.  It seems to have perfected its charming good looks - I may let it off of its grounded for life sentence a bit early.

For serious with that face?

Jimmy's sister and her family stopped by for a whirlwind trip at the end of July, and then my precious friend Rebecca came to visit with her two kids.  We could sum that trip up with: crazy exhausted children, bad television sponsored by a select buffet of pinterest-inspired yums, time in the car with loud Disney movies, and a whole bunch of laughter.

Rebecca and Erin threw me the sweetest baby shower.  The night before, I got the surprise of my life when my Aunt Sara and cousin Melissa showed up at my door!  They flew in for my baby shower and left me speechless and emotional.  I feel blessed to have amazing friends and family - it's touching to see how loved this baby is already.

My baby starts school in one week.  I nearly had to bring a little paper sack with us on our school shopping adventure.  I know she'll be in a great place, and I know she is going to love going, but I basically still think she is my tiny baby and I should get to keep her in my pocket at all times.  Jimmy thought he was funny by asking me to wait until I send her off to college, and I think my death eyes in response were enough to keep him from ever even thinking that around me again.  Kindergarten and then her sixth birthday - they are basically here!

Are you all ready to send me in to get my head examined?  I am SO BEYOND FLIPPING EXCITED that football season is here!  It means FALL.  And BABY BABY BABY BABY.  I am not so excited about Jimmy being gone, especially towards the end of this crazy adventure, but I have good faith things will work out.  And also?  Pumpkin spice, friends.  It's right around the corner!

I am about to start Christmas shopping.  

Maybe I should have my head examined.

*I apologize for the excessive use of CAPS in this post.  It's the small things.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

broken things and other realizations.

I am doing 876 loads of laundry today.  And I am most excited about it.  Laundry and I have never been friends, but take away the possibility of clean clothes for two weeks, and I think I would be willing to do shameful things for the washer to be available again.

I'd love to run into the author of Murphy's Law While Husbands are Away.  In a dark alley, pregnant self and all.  Hole in the tire, washer quit life, rotten chicken, a sick child, and the always-possible case of the axe murdered lurking in the closet.

I can feel summer slipping through my fingers - something that rings happy thoughts of fall (and BABY!) in my mind, but also a bit of sadness about the things we haven't gotten around to, and the way time continues to run.  The beginning of school is around the corner; last minute activity cramming has begun.

In other (most exciting and definitely celebratory ice cream worthy) news - we are in DOUBLE DIGITS.  Twenty-six weeks.  The fact that August is right around the corner, leaving just a month in between right now and due date month makes me reel with a whole string of emotions.  Mostly a mix of ohmygoshbabyiscoming! and ohmygoshbabyiscoming! But really, I feel like I have a billion things left to do, preparing my mind for a teeny newborn, and then there's the scary things that run through my mind.  I am also going to be unbelievably excited to be un-pregnant and un-nauseous.

In the meantime, the to-do list holds: baby things, the best of friends, school preparation (someone, hold me.), and soaking up the rest of the summertime sunshine with my coppertone babies.

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