as you start school

To my precious Ruby,


I have a few more days of denial; you start first grade this week which hardly seems possible.  This seems like real school in a way that kindergarten did not, and suddenly I'm wondering if I have properly prepared you to be a shining light.

In recent years, motherhood has delivered forgotten memories to the front porch of my mind - things of all sorts, but something in particular has taken up residence and I feel my chance to address it lies with paying my knowledge and heartache forward to save you from feeling this way.

I went to elementary school and junior high with a particular boy that still yanks on my heartstrings.  He had yellow blonde hair and a starring-role face of a Norman Rockwell illustration.  I can imagine the way his whole face smiled and I can see the serious look of concentration when he was called on in class; his cheeks glowed pink, his lips pursed shut.  I can see the clothes he wore and the way his hair was sweetly parted to one side.  Worst of all, I can see the way my peers treated him, and the way I never stood up for him.  Without being outwardly mean, I was just as bad as those who were as I chose to never make it better.

I wish I had made him feel loved, noticed even.  I wish I had taken the time to say hello to him and to get to know him.  I wish I would have told him how nice he looked on those days that he looked so proud of his ragged button down shirt.  I wish I would have told him how impressively quick he was when he ran, especially in his cowboy boots!  I wish I had chosen bravery and kindness in favor of what my friends might have thought about me befriending him.

I think motherhood has this funny way of seeing life through a wide array of different lenses.  While some lenses offer child-like innocence and magic, this one lives up to a sad truth.  One that hurts my mama heart and one that I hope you never experience.  This is one of the worst nightmares in the big book of motherhood, and something I know his mother would have given anything to change.

---

Know this, sweet one:

As the school bell rings, you walk into that school with your head held high and your heart open wide.  You are the same person there as you are at home.  You are loved, you are gracious, you are kind, and you are special.  And so is every single one of your peers.  You will never regret being nice, and you never know how much you may brighten someone's day.

May you always find butterflies and roly-polies magical.

May you spot the rainbows in life just as you love to do in the stream of hose water.

May you see the good in everyone.

May you always smile at the face in the mirror just as you do now.

May you always be a gracious winner and a pleasant loser.

May you always laugh.

May you celebrate the differences.

May you use your many gifts to make this world a brighter place, and may you never lose sight of the important things.

I love you to the moon!
Now run into this world and work your magic!

Love,
Mom

{I recently tried to find this guy with not a whole lot of luck.  I did contact a family member in hopes of connecting so that I could formally apologize all these years later and to tell him that he is loved and worthy.  I plan to keep trying to reach him!}