Monday, May 5, 2014

uninhibited love.

I told you it was something extraordinary.

On February 14th, I discovered the existence of my tiniest, new valentine and began a journey I'll never forget.  Mostly because I did not get out of bed for nearly 8 weeks unless it was to go to the bathroom or move to the couch, and because I have thrown more than I ever have in my entire life.  And possibly because I have the the ability to fly into a pregnant woman rage in record time.

Mostly though, and any parent can attest to this, pregnancy is unlike any other.  I can feel the very breath of life in me, filling up my insides - this is my fourth pregnancy, and the awe and wonder of it isn't lost with time or experience.

And with loss, comes terror.  I have completely thrust this experience at the feet of Jesus because I simply can't walk this scary path alone.  Alongside the normal hurdles, we added a couple more to our repertoire this go; in my tenth week, I had a scary amount of bleeding and was diagnosed with a subchorionic hemorrhage.

We're coming up on 15 weeks, and I have finally lowered my guard, just a bit.  I feel a rush of confidence at the turn of each new week, the days when I look in the mirror and hardly believe my belly, and the times when I hear the whoosh of baby's heartbeat.  I believe I am feeling tiny movements - I can hardly wait until they are full blown somersaults.

Until then, I'll focus on the rootbeer floats, sour candies, and the art of eating pizza whilst laying down in bed.  And also?  My thankfulness.  Not a day goes by that I take for granted - this experience has been humbling and incredible life-changing already.  The re-realization of how amazing my husband is is undeniable - I feel forever indebted to him. It's precious to hear my girls tell complete strangers about this baby, the way they discuss whether it will be a girl or a boy, and the way they already love - completely uninhibited.

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